By Bosede Ola-Samuel
Signals are signs, indicators, pointers and revealers. They say something about personalities, situations, and places. For instance, when someone has malaria, the common features include headache, high body temperature, shivering, and bitter mouth taste. When a person is in this state, malaria becomes the greatest suspect. You can’t fault that conclusion.
Likewise, when a marriage is sick, there are ill health indicators that will be visible. When you see such things in any marriage, they are signals that if a married person ignores them, they will be at his or her peril. They speak volumes about the state of the marriage and call for urgent attention from concerned people. Just like a doctor does in ascertaining the sicknesses people have, a marriage counsellor will also be looking out for these signals in a marriage to proffer solutions for it.
The following will tell a person, a married person, a counsellor, or a concerned person, that a marriage is sick.
Poor s3x life
This is a strong indicator of an unhealthy marriage. One of the reasons for a marriage contract is sexual enjoyment. It provides a person with an avenue to legitimately and unashamedly engage in s3x. So, when a marriage puts on the toga of poor s3x, it is a sign that all is not well with such a marriage. Poor s3x life in marriage makes a spouse avoid s3x, be inactive during s3xual acts, make demand(s) before having s3x with his or her spouse, abstain from s3x for months, etc.
The situation can become so bad that a couple may come to a point of making sex a “no-go area”. When this is the case, the couple should realise that their marriage is sick, and if its death must be avoided, treatment must be sought, and urgently too, for that matter.
I have come to realise that many marriages are in a state of poor s3x life. A lot of couples are just patching it up and presenting a make-believe picture to the public.
I once heard from a lady who had a s3x break of over one year with her husband at a time in the marriage. The husband stopped asking her for sex, and she also refused to make demands for it when in the mood. They were both suffering and smiling through it. It took an interesting intervention for them to resume their s3xual “duty”. The husband eventually opened up that he stopped asking for s3x because the wife was always saying that he was having s3x for free because he lost his job.
When s3x between a married couple becomes rare or irregular. That is, when sex doesn’t flow regularly between them, their marriage needs help. It’s an indication that the marriage has lost connection, a good flow of emotional feeling.
Except on the grounds of ill health, s3x between a married couple should be a regular act, according to their agreement. Even when it’s for agreed spiritual reasons, it shouldn’t be for too long a period of time. Otherwise, a spouse may be exposed to unreasonable temptation.
I once heard of a deputy pastor who impregnated his pastor’s wife, fathering two of his children. The pastor was always away on the mountain and left his wife in the care of the deputy pastor, who was younger and unmarried, living in the same premises with the couple.
When rare s3x is the situation, it means that one or both partners is/are not happy in the marriage. The reasons for this type of situation can be unfulfilled marital expectations, emotional distress, life or career setbacks, or lack of sexual fulfilment by one of the couple.
Whatever the reason may be, the point is that what we have before us is a sick marriage, and it calls for urgent attention. Otherwise, it’s heading for the rocks.
The implications of such an unhealthy marriage are infidelity, mental health breakdown, emotional or physical abuse, separation, and divorce. It’s a common feature of the cases at the courts these days to seek divorce on the grounds of poor s3x life. This ground used to be concealed under other grounds in the past. But today, the chicken has come home to roost. The story is being told, or the picture is being presented, as it is.
Salvaging such a marital situation requires the cooperation of the couple. They must agree that there is a problem and be willing to find solutions to it. So, the primary responsibility in this case rests squarely on the shoulders of the couple. They must take their destiny into their hands, face it, and fix it.
However, if they now find it impossible to resolve the issues around their poor s3x life, the secondary intervention of a third party becomes relevant. The third party here can be their child, mentor, friend, counsellor, or a religious leader.
Passive communication
Marriage is consummated for companionship. It’s one of the agreed grounds for a marriage contract, whether in a legal or traditional setting. When communication between a couple breaks down, it leads to irreconcilable differences and is a reason for divorce. Communication breaks down when one of the couple is not receiving the message. Effective communication demands that both the sender and the receiver are on the same page, the message being communicated is being received and understood.
A lady said her broken marriage started with monosyllabic communication between her and her husband. That is, the communication degenerated to the level of “good morning”, “welcome”, “good bye”, etc. This kind of communication between a married couple is a signal that the marriage is sick.
Lack of fun
Being happily married is fun. The fun is part of what makes a marital relationship a sweet experience. Jokes, joint outings, and throwing of healthy banters about the days of wooing and courtship add fun to the marriage. When a couple doesn’t find an avenue for fun in the marriage, the implication is that of a sickly marriage.
One-sided decision-making process
A marriage in which only one of the couple calls the shots in making vital decisions is an unhealthy marriage. Even for the husband, who is traditionally recognised as the head in a marriage, the inputs of the wife in the process of decision-making shouldn’t be trivialised. Joint decisions should be the right and appropriate approach in a marriage.
A spouse shouldn’t lord things over the other because of his or her economic power. The popular saying that “He who pays the piper dictates the tune” should not come into play in a marriage. When this is not so, that marriage is qualified to be called “endangered”.
My books, ‘Enjoying Great S3x Life’ and ‘How to Help Your Wife Enjoy S3x’, are still selling fast. For details, contact me on 08112658560. SMS only, please.